Special Gift

Last night I had a lovely evening of drinks and nosh with two of my esteemed colleagues at Blind. It was great to get away from the daily grind, and just enjoy each other as people, especially since there won't be many more opportunities like this.

The night before last, my precious sister drove up from Long Beach to meet me in LA for some one-on-one time. I was of course running late and flustered when I got there, resenting the demands of my job which had stolen precious seconds from what was a much-anticipated time of togetherness. But Erin was unphased; she was relaxed and happy to see me, no matter the time, and instantly calmed and lifted my spirits.

We shared delicious mushroom-chicken crepes, oozing cheese and screaming indulgence, and if that wasn't enough, we capped our lovely meal with a chocolate souffle. The rich, airy delight tickled my tastebuds and delighted my senses.

After dinner, I was presented with a beautifully written, heartfelt card and a gorgeous necklace, both of which I will treasure for the rest of my life. It reminded me what a special gift I have in my sister-- of whom I can say that my biggest complaint is that she is making it incredibly difficult to leave. We spent the evening laughing, crying (me), and just enjoying each others company. How precious it is to have your best friend in your own family.

Sweet Erin, you have been for me a playmate, a sounding board, a source of laughter and fun, an inspiration as a worker, a wife and a mother, and a giver of tremendous joy and meaning in my life. You mean the world to me, and no distance will ever loosen the bonds that are between us. Though the physical distance may be great, you are forever in my heart. I love you!

Every Day, It's A' Gettin' Closer....

Last night I dreamed that I was in a theme park.

Thinking back, I seem to have a recurring dream about being in a theme park, running around, looking endlessly for this one, elusive roller coaster that I just know is my favorite and will give me an incredible thrill. In my dreams I know it's out there; I know it will be sufficiently terrifying and ultimately satisfying.

Last night, I actually made my way onto a roller coaster. I don't know if it was THE roller coaster, but I felt content sitting in its shiny, brassy car. I sit down and gear up for the ride, and who should I see ahead of me, but a director that I worked with a few years ago who I recently contacted about a position at UCLA. In my real life, she graciously passed my resume along to the department, despite the fact that we do not regularly communicate.

In my dream it was as if we were old friends. The ride started, but I didn't notice the peaks and valleys because she was turned around in her car, chatting to me about various subjects and asking me about the job at UCLA. It was a genuinely pleasant conversation, and I was glad for her company.

If I can be permitted to "shrink" myself, I see that elusive roller coaster as a symbol of the life I have been searching for-- the adventure that looks so satisfying, but is always just out of reach. The challenges of my real life make me hungry and nostalgic for the rhythmic clicking of anticipation, and the sudden butterfly-stomach drop; the interplay between terror and safety.

Now it seems that I am on a roller coaster, but not necessarily the one my subconscious invented and perpetually hid from me. This one is real. This one has real thrill, real excitement, real terror and real consequences attached to it. And I couldn't be happier to be riding this ride.

Meeting the director in my dream was also symbolic.... I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and assistance from many unexpected places as I make this transition. People who have made it before, people whose friends and family are on the receiving end of our journey, people whose kindness bolsters my heart and strengthens my resolve. As the click-click-click of my car approaching the top of the hill rings in my ears, and with the freefall now in sight- just two weeks away- I feel so blessed knowing that there are hands and hearts there to catch me; that my creator will never forsake me... but is instead making my way ahead of me. Already this is so much better than I ever dreamed!

Happiness Hangover

I woke up this morning with the taste of this weekend's delicious memories on my tongue, and an ache in my heart knowing that I am about to bid the people I love most farewell. From breakfast with my entire family at my favorite diner, to a slumber party and glorious hike with my very best friend, to an evening with the family at the fair....I think it finally started to sink in that the adventure my husband and I are embarking upon is a solitary one, and requires us to leave the ones we love.

The fair brought back so many wonderful memories of family time together, taking in the feeling of animal fur on my fingertips and the rich earthy aromas, drinking ice cold chocolate milk. What joy to see my precious nephew, almost a year old, petting the goats and eating ice cream, exploring the world with such hunger and delight. And my sister, my best friend since birth, and I eating balboa bars with the same fervor that we consumed them in our youth. When will I be able to do this again?

And my best friend and I, the dynamic duo since our first day at UCI, sitting on her bed and talking about our relationships and feelings, with more honesty than we often reveal to ourselves. How can I leave my precious friend?

The overabundance of love, joy, and feelings of belonging that I experienced this weekend left me with a heartache when I awoke alone this morning. I'm certain that this is the first of many mornings that I will long for this blessed life and these adored people that I am leaving. But what an age we live in, and what an opportunity to get creative with communication to maintain and strengthen those bonds of love.